Since I've been getter better, every now and then my ed will yell at me. It started yelling last week when I went to see my therapist. When I walked into her office she says to me "you look SO good! You look like you've gained weight. Have you gained weight?" That's NOT something you say to somebody with an ed and is trying to recover. To me that meant that I'm getting fat. I know my thighs are touching, I know I'm putting on weight and that I'm starting to get a double fucking chin. You don't have to tell me that. I see her once a month and everything I are her she asks me what my weight is. This time my weight was 2 pounds higher than last month. Is it that noticeable?
I'm starting to get those thoughts that I need to restrict and purge. But how can I? I'm monitored once a month for my weight and I see my dietician once a month. My thighs are starting to touch and its freaking me out. The number on the scale gets higher. I can't stand this anymore. I feel like a fat cow and this has to stop. Looks like ill be cutting instead of purging. Greaattt.
Oh lovely, I know exactly how you feel. Recovery is a BITCH, no other way to define it! But apparently, it's worth. There's supposed to be this amazing life at the end which means living again is the best thing ever - no calorie counting, no restricting.
ReplyDeleteKeep going because you're doing the right thing. You're beautiful at any weight, you don't need a number to tell you that x