Confused

Since my last post I've been doing okay. I had a slip up. I'm doing better eating wise and a tiny bit better mentally. That's the shit that gets me in trouble. My mind.

My mind is telling me that I need to relapse so that I can get skinnier than the first time that I ended up inpatient. At the beginning of recovery my motivation was to not go back to the hospital but now I don't really care bc it was a comfort. The hospital wasn't that bad. My ed is also a comfort. So to me both are comforts and I'm in the middle and it's very black and white.

Even though when I slipped up with purging, afterward I felt like complete shit. My whole body hurt, just the worst. And I'm stressing about the holiday coming up. Wahhhh :( idk what to do anymore. So confused. Hope everyone else is well though! :)

ED thoughts

Since I've been getter better, every now and then my ed will yell at me. It started yelling last week when I went to see my therapist. When I walked into her office she says to me "you look SO good! You look like you've gained weight. Have you gained weight?" That's NOT something you say to somebody with an ed and is trying to recover. To me that meant that I'm getting fat. I know my thighs are touching, I know I'm putting on weight and that I'm starting to get a double fucking chin. You don't have to tell me that. I see her once a month and everything I are her she asks me what my weight is. This time my weight was 2 pounds higher than last month. Is it that noticeable?

I'm starting to get those thoughts that I need to restrict and purge. But how can I? I'm monitored once a month for my weight and I see my dietician once a month. My thighs are starting to touch and its freaking me out. The number on the scale gets higher. I can't stand this anymore. I feel like a fat cow and this has to stop. Looks like ill be cutting instead of purging. Greaattt.

Panic attack

Last night I was watching Demi Lovato's Stay Strong documentary again. Now that we're in the holiday season it made me start thinking about Thanksgiving and the 2 year passing of my grandma that's coming up on Friday.

As I was thinking about both situations, I started to get really anxious and started crying. I couldn't breathe, I felt like the walls were closing in on me. The worst. I've been really missing my grandma.

My eating disorder started when my grandma passed and my eating disorder was my only escape and my way to cope. Now that that time of year is coming up again, I honestly don't know how to cope. I've been 3 weeks behavior free and I'm trying not to go back to my eating disorder. I guess only time will tell.