Since my last post I've been doing okay. I had a slip up. I'm doing better eating wise and a tiny bit better mentally. That's the shit that gets me in trouble. My mind.
My mind is telling me that I need to relapse so that I can get skinnier than the first time that I ended up inpatient. At the beginning of recovery my motivation was to not go back to the hospital but now I don't really care bc it was a comfort. The hospital wasn't that bad. My ed is also a comfort. So to me both are comforts and I'm in the middle and it's very black and white.
Even though when I slipped up with purging, afterward I felt like complete shit. My whole body hurt, just the worst. And I'm stressing about the holiday coming up. Wahhhh :( idk what to do anymore. So confused. Hope everyone else is well though! :)
Don't beat yourself up about purging! You felt bad after, that means you're strong enough to recognize it's a bad choice. And you'll keep getting stronger.
ReplyDeleteAs far as comfort goes, ED is all about comfort. It's a way to take a break from life, push responsibility away, and shut the rest of the world out. I'm not qualified to give advice since I'm currently doing that very thing (hiding in the comfort of ED), but think about if you want to be 'comfortable' for the rest of your life, think about your aspirations and how being taking comfort in ED will never achieve them, think about how pushing your comfort zone now will ultimately give you an entirely new comfort zone: one that's healthy and happy rather than sick and depressing.
Be safe:)